Joy robber
When we moved to the Czech Republic everything I knew and was comfortable with disappeared in an instant. My foundation was shifted, cracked, unsure. Placing myself eagerly in the hands of Almighty God, His way was my bearing, He, my compass, His strength was mine. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
But life has a way of coating us in a grime so opaque one can no longer see God. With eyes not seeing clearly and a wavering foundation I began to worry and feel anxious. This was a new experience for me as worry had never characterized me before. Now I was struggling to thank God in all situations, be they good or bad.
How can one smile when her spirit is slowly being gnawed upon by worry?
"An anxious heart weighs a man down,
but a kind word cheers him up."Proverbs 12:25
Worry
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34
I was worried about my kids at school. Worried how Rebekah would survive the day. Worried because Czech drivers are notoriously crazy (We are in the top 10 of road fatalities) and Danny rides his bike to work everyday. And the girls had to cross a busy street to get to school. Worried if we were making right decisions for our girs. Worried about money. Worried about our future. Worried about our health. Worried about whether we were making a difference here.
Whereas when we first moved here my eyes were on God alone because everything else had suddenly melted away after a very long flight with only two suitcases to my name, now my footing had stabilized a bit but I found that I was living in an alternate reality not unlike the Twilight Zone and I stopped looking at God and started to look at my surroundings and I began to drown. Does this story sound familiar?
Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror. "
But Jesus was quick to comfort them. "Courage, it's me. Don't be afraid."
Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water."
He said, "Come ahead."
Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!"
Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you
Matthew 14:24-31
Getting back on the bike
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Psalm 23:4
A couple of years ago, Dan bought me a new bike so that we could ride together. It had been over 20 years since I had been on a bike and I was a bit nervous (Czech drivers...), but I took to it immediately and we began riding into the city along the river. The weather was gorgeous and the ride was awesome. It was fun to ride fast and feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my skin and the force of my muscles working hard.
After a few weeks of riding together, Dan wanted to challenge me a bit and we started to ride into the square. Too many people, too many cars, ancient cobblestone streets. I was filled with anxiety. I ended up hitting a pole that day and broke my finger and popped out my shoulder. An ambulance ride and time in the hospital that day saw me scared to get back on my bike. Last week I went out on my bike again for the first time in two years. I was literally having a discussion with myself about why I was always so worried. Nervously, I creeped down the hills. I attacked the corners at full on snail speed in hopes that there were no cars coming. Gradually I gained some confidence. But my confidence is poorly placed in myself, or in others. I am not confident that the Czech drivers will drive safely. I am not confident in my mad bike skillz. But the way I have been living, coated in a veneer of anxiety has stolen my joy, robbed me of my smile and is sinful.
Gratitude
"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the God of my salvation!" Habakkuk 3:18
A long time ago, when I had my first child, I recall that I was grateful for every hour that she was with me. I recognizeed that she wasn't mine, but that she had been entrusted to my care not unlike a Master entrusts His servants with His most precious treasure. As I look back on this experience of moving to the Czech Republic, and the changes for the good and the struggles that have arisen in my life, I see that in lieu of having a familiar environment with predictability, I have clung on to all that is "mine" in an attempt to feel in control of my surroundings. All that is around me, all that I claim ownership of, I am remiss to think that they are truly mine. My own life is not for me to keep, nor to dictate. My children and husband are gifts that are for His glory and pleasure and will, not mine. My circumstances, finances, material possessions, health, safety, daily needs are not in my control, truly. I am delusional to have thought that they ever were and trying to commandeer them has not worked out so well for me.
The last year and a half I have been writing daily in a journal. I write down things that I am thankful for. Last year I wrote 1,300+ things down. This year I am already approaching 500. How about this: how about I look at God. How about I thank Him for every breath, for every minute that I am breathing to do His work. How about I thank Him for the years...years...I have had with my husband and children, and the grace and generosity He has for me in giving me one more day with them, today. How about I thank Him for today, not worrying about what tomorrow brings, happiness or sorrow. But, for today, in the moment, thanking Him. Thanking Him for His plan, that sorrow often works for His glory because this life is not about longevity, but about eternity.
Lord, God, my Father, help me to see this life, this day with your eyes. Help me to relinquish control to you, help me to accept your joy in place of my anxiety. Help me to be thankful in all things, good and bad, knowing that none of this is mine, and the life I live now is a prelude of things to come. Give me your eyes today, Father, to see as you see. Amen.
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